I was going through some of my previously written stuff to try to overcome my writer’s block and I found this. This was written a few months ago when my battle with anorexia had resumed (It’s now under control for a while…but don’t know how long it will last. I can only remain so strong…) and I really wanted to share it. Maybe use it as a sort of healer? It’s called LYING MIRRORS.
Mirrors don’t lie.
They’re not supposed to, but she swears this one is lying.
That image looking back at her isn’t her. It can’t be.
She never used to be that skinny, that weak. She’s muscular, bordering on fat, and strong.
Her eyes aren’t that hollow with dark circles under them. They’re not that lifeless. No. Her eyes are bright and shiny. They’re full of life and humour.
Her arms aren’t that skinny. They’re muscular…able to lift a hundred pounds.
Her waist isn’t that tiny. It wasn’t fat, but it certainly wasn’t tiny. Never had been. It’s a stocky waistline and one that she had always been half content with.
Her abs certainly aren’t that flat. No, they were a little flabby (which she hated, but accepted) and they ever so slightly draped over her belt.
That’s certainly not her smile. Her teeth aren’t discoloured and her smile isn’t that full of pain and hurt.
Her hair is long and luxurious, unlike the string-like hair that is falling out in clumps each time she brushes it.
She’s the one in control, unlike that person staring back at her. That person is weak. That person is not her. It can’t be.
She’s not relapsed.
The mirror says she has.
But, mirrors aren’t supposed to lie.
Dear Future Employer:
I know you may wind up reading this and it infuriates me. I know you think that my journals are a true representation of who I am, but you’re wrong. You read one entry where I’ve had a bad day and I vent and suddenly you think that I can’t control my temper.
You read entries when I’ve had a bad day, week, month, or year and assume that I am just exactly like that.
But, I guarantee that you won’t read the ones where I am happy and loving life. Of course not. That would be a true representation of me and that’s not what you’re looking for.
You’re looking for the deep darkest secrets that will keep me from being employed with you.
You’ll read the day where I didn’t like my boss and so assume that I never did. I am human and, like there are days my boss and I hated each other, the truth is that we liked each other. You only want the seedy stuff.
To me, this is like you sneaking into my house and digging in my chest of drawers and finding my diary and reading it. It’s an invasion of my privacy.
Yes, I do understand that it is online, but here’s the thing: you will never read the true me because that is in a diary, well hidden from prying eyes.
Online, I write carefully about what I feel because I know sneaks like you will read it.
What is going to happen if people can’t vent? They become angry. And when people get angry, violence ensues.
And, I’ll make this point very clear: If you deny me employment because I journal online about my life, than maybe you’re not the employer I want to work for.
I get it. I understand why it sometimes needs to be done. Maybe if someone had stepped in, Columbine may not have happened or we could have stopped 9/11. Who knows.
But, understand that what you read on here doesn’t always reflect the person. If I have something negative to say about you or your company, I’m not going to say it here. If I have a complaint, I may write it here, but be assured you’re not going to be named. It’s a principal thing.
But, if you read my blog, read it all. Focus in on my stories for they reflect the real me, not the ones where I’ve had a bad day and I just want to get it out of my system.
Sometimes, computers are better because my thoughts move so much faster than my hand can possibly write. But again, if there’s anything so offensive to you, you’re not going to find it online. A vent here and there of work, but not anything major.
I hope that you will, upon reading all my blog entries, focus on the true me and not the me that needs to let off a little steam.
Your Future Employee
I know I just posted, but I wanted to preview my theme. So far, so good.
I am a LiveJournal transplant, so, if you’re following this blog, be patient with me as I try to move over my most precious LJ entries to here. Some of them are pretty awesome if I do say so myself.
I hope that all the weird stuff that LJ does on a daily basis and goes thru on a weekly basis doesn’t happen here.
I am optimisitic.
So, here’s to yet another blog I have to keep up! 🙂